Love People Where They Are

Love People Where They Are

I’ve told a story for years now and the other day I came across its centerpiece. This Aerosmith concert t-shirt from their 1990 Pump tour.

I was living in another state working as a day care provider during the day and a bartender at night saving for a trip to Europe. Three of us were living in a one bedroom apartment with a donated couch and mattresses on the floor. 

Ah to be young and carefree! 

Closing a bar at two in the morning was not glamorous.  We’d call the last call, cash people out, clean out the bar swill (all the spilt alcohol that mixes together to make a stinky brown concoction), wash dishes, mop the floor, and head home.  By the time I got home and had a chance wind down, it was four in the morning. Sometimes I just fell asleep like that. Sitting on the couch, second hand smoke in my hair, nasty swill smell on my clothes.....

Knock Knock Knock!

Ugh, who is knocking on my door on a Saturday morning? What time is it? Oh, 10 a.m. I guess most people would be up by now, but I’m only on my sixth hour of sleep.

Groggy with who knows what kind of bedhead, I answer the door to greet the nicest well-dressed religious door-to-door people you have ever seen. And I’m wearing this Aerosmith gory t-shirt. I’m sure I was a sight!!  They probably thought they had some easy pickings with what looked (and smelled) to them like some hung-over metal head who didn’t know God from.... well.... Adam....

“Hello, can we speak to you for a few minutes?”

Sure.

“We’d like to talk to you about Jesus.”

Yes, I know him well.

“Well did you know that......”

Yes, I did. And yes, I do read the Bible. And yes, I do have a personal relationship with him. And yes, I have asked him into my heart as my Savior. And yes, I do pray with him daily......

I don’t think they bought a word of it.  And I can’t really blame them.  In that interaction, how could they know my heart? How could they know my past?

I bought the shirt because the back had the words to my favorite song on it, Janie’s Gotta Gun, a song about a victim of sexual abuse who takes the situation into her own hands and shoots her abuser. It was dark and scary looking. Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by a friend’s father, the song meant a lot to me and the dark and scary look of the shirt represented how I felt about the situation. 

The shirt and other choices I was making reflected where I was at that time of my life, but that journey wasn’t without God. He was there with me. Holding my hand.  Loving me THROUGH the pain.  I was still a Christian.

How many times do we see other people and judge them because they don’t LOOK like we think they should? Instead they wear clothes are less conservative than ours, they drink more than we do, they just don’t follow the rules like we think they should?  Do we come at them with that judgement like, “I need to let that person know they are sinning!”  Or do we come along side them, love them, and leave the judging up to God?

I’ve grown since my twenties and it’s not because someone “fixed” me.  The growth I’ve done has come from the Holy Spirit convicting me and growing me. It’s come from inside me. It’s come from knowing God more and learning what pleases him.  

So, where do people fit into this equation?  It’s the ones that loved me where I was at that helped me move along this journey.  Ones that welcomed me in the door at church regardless of what I was wearing or how late I walked in. The sweet girl in my college Bible study that described me as “colorful” because I swore like a sailor even at church gatherings.

Love people where they are. If we judge them and get snotty about the little things, how are they ever going to know Christ and let him into their hearts in order for him to shape them into the diamond he intends them to be?

WHAT ARE THINGS YOU HAVE BEEN JUDGED FOR THAT AREN’T WHO YOU ARE NOW? WHAT DO YOU NEED TO LOOK PAST IN ORDER TO LOVE OTHER PEOPLE THAT COME INTO YOUR LIFE?

Rock the System!!!

When I do my "Rocks in a Jar" talk, I teach the audience how to make this work in their daily life.  The number one thing you MUST do is look at your rocks daily.  If not, you will slip back into your old habits of letting life happen to you and not living intentionally.  I know because I do it too!

I'm very visual and I wanted to make looking at my rocks easy for myself so I set up a board that has my rocks on it.  It's in my bedroom so when I wake-up my rocks are right there waiting for me.

The board on the bottom is my "Throw Up" board. I wake-up with thoughts popping in my head like popcorn. "I've got to make the Dr. appointment, oh pay the water bill, I've got a great blog idea, ask hubby when he's coming home from his trip, need to take the receipts in to church....."  If I don't get these thoughts out and into word form they will either get lost or get stuck and I have the same thoughts over and over again.

I do not do all seven rocks every day (I teach that in my talk too. Start with one or two goals and get good at those before adding more).  So each day, I decide which rocks I will be working on and move them to the "Today" column.  I chose a white board because I wanted to be able to write the specific thing I needed to do for that rock under the rock's label:

As I complete a goal, I move the rock label to the "Done" section.  Whatever gets done gets mark off on my progress chart.

I guess it's like a chore chart for grown-ups.  As with all great tools, it's only as good as how you use it. I'll give a progress report in a couple of weeks.

How about you? DO YOU HAVE A WAY OF FOCUSING ON YOUR GOALS EACH DAY? DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT MAKING AND KEEPING GOALS?

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My Quarter Year Crisis-Getting Back on Track

One quarter of 2013 is over.  I think March was my Quarter Year Crisis month.  I didn’t balance my checkbook once. Not only did I not balance it, I didn’t input my purchases.  I haven’t behaved that way in five or six years.  Usually updating the checkbook and making sure everything balances is my way of feeling in control and that all is right, at least in my little world.

My eating was out of control (darn my favorite cupcake place opening in my town!!!) and  cleaning was sporadic.  I think I was throwing a grown-up temper tantrum.  Tired of being the responsible one. Tired of being the one who takes care of all of the finances, cleaning, calendar, communication, kids activities, social obligations, etc.

Luckily I still held on to some 2013 habits. I’m caught up on my Bible reading and here I am doing my own writing even though I contemplated posting other people’s blogs while the kids are out of school for two weeks.

So it’s a new month, and new quarter, a new start.

What are my goals for April:

• Keep up with Bible reading
• Keep up with writing
• Exercise 3x a week
• Make April’s budget and keep up with checkbook
• Date Night
• Clean out house for friend’s garage sale for Kenya Mission Trip (I am never motivated to clean unless there’s a good reason!)

What do I need to do to get back on track:

• LOOK at my goals daily
• Hang my progress chart so I can fill in the boxes daily (remember that low tech chart paper I used to track my progress for January? I took it down for a talk and never put one back up. Bad news!)
• Share my goals with my accountability partner
• Scrap the month of March in the checkbook and just start over for April.
• Use the cash envelope system (sure cuts down on inputting all those food transactions!)

ARE YOU AT A POINT WHERE YOU NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK? WHAT DO YOU NEED TO MEET YOUR GOALS THIS MONTH? 

Feel free to post in the comment section below. It’s amazing what putting your goals down into writing can do to help you stay on track.

Spring Break-Kids Gone Wild

Oh boy. It's Spring Break.

My kids get two weeks off of school so I'm trying to pace myself with the balance of chilling out and keeping the kids busy so they don't drive each other, and therefore me, crazy.  It's a very fine line.

We have found a pattern that I find acceptable.  Normally there is a limit to the "plugged-in" time that they get which differs depending on whether or not it's a school day or a weekend.  So we are on "weekend" rules which means more but still limited time.  They are taking turns with the T.V. alternating between recorded shows and Wii games.  We eat breakfast, they continue, and by lunch all plugged-in time is used up.

That's when the fun begins and by fun I mean the annoying, "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!" Suddenly they are on their own to entertain themselves and their first instinct is to come to me.  It's a learning opportunity for them.  "You need to use your own imagination to entertain yourselves."  I don't structure their time with planned activities leading them through each thing just so they are kept busy and I don't have to hear them whine.

Between Legos, blocks, Army men, paper and markers, the paint easel, paper dolls, wooden train track, race cars, and dress up there's plenty to do.  I know this because the evidence is spread out all over the 1100 square feet of our apartment.  It only takes about an hour to look like a bomb went off in this place.  But that's the price you pay for letting your kids think for themselves and I don't mind because it teaches another lesson later.  "You clean-up what you take out and your Mama didn't take all that stuff out." Oh it's like pulling teeth because suddenly the strong arms that took the stuff out turn into spaghetti and can't lift a thing.  It's like a magic spell has been placed where each and every step is like walking through water in slow motion.  It's quite entertaining if I'm not in a hurry to get something done like go the grocery store to have food for dinner or clean the living room because we have a guest coming over.

And I have to have some sort of "get out of the house" trip planned or we all get cabin fever.  Sometimes the trip is fun and sometimes the trip is business that needs to get done.  The first day it was library and the park. Yesterday it was going to the chiropractor and grocery shopping.  Today it's taking the little girl to her first horseback riding lessons (the boy will learn the lesson that he gets to just hang out and watch like she watched him for two years doing karate and fencing. Oh he's not going to like this!)

What I haven't figured out is how to take care of myself.  I need to be exercising, alone.  I need to get my Bible chapters read daily and getting five done a day with the little darlings underfoot is not easy.  I need to get my writing done (I'm doing that now while they are plugged-in).  I'd like an hour of not being talked at. The Easter Bunny needs to get the baskets put together and Mama is going to need some girl time with grown-up friends.  I feel selfish about this, but I know that if I don't find a way to fit in time for myself I'll quickly become Martyr Mom and no one wins when Martyr Mom is around.

So for the next few posts I may be sharing my favorite posts from other blogs.  There are some awesome bloggers out there who have managed to take how I've felt in my life and put the feelings into words that are very powerful.

HOW DO YOU PACE YOURSELF TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T BURN OUT? WHAT THINGS DO YOU NEED TO KEEP YOU SANE?

Monday-Me Day

Field Trip on Friday

I love Mondays!

Don't hate me.

It's something I feel should be a secret. Something I shouldn't say out loud. But hear me out.

It was a crud weekend.  With my son having to do his school work at home because he's not getting it done at school (remember I told you, he is a slow learner.  We're going on two weeks with no video games, not playing with friends, no T.V.) and with the kids being in a musical, our weekend looked like this:

Friday:

• 3rd grade field trip for Pioneer Days (somebody please remind me that field trips give me migraines no matter how great the trip is)
• McDonalds after school since this is the only time for dinner
• prep kids' hair and make-up for musical
• drop kids off at theatre
• take two Excedrin Migraine and half a Valium to deal with head pain
• meet my parents and sister's family for dinner
• see show (the kids are so dang cute!)
• take kids home to bed

Saturday:

• make son sit down to do his work
• make traditional french toast and bacon (one meal I actually enjoy making for the family) with extra for Sunday morning's breakfast
• get laundry started
• after a few hours of work, go return costumes from field trip to costume shop
• come home and make son sit and work some more
• get little girl to take a shower
• come downstairs to find safety pins have been attached to a bunch of different things around the room
• do more laundry
• come back in from garage to find son out of chair up to no good again
• lose my freaking mind

There's yelling, there's swearing, there's tears
Oh and by the way, my husband is gone all day at a conference
Five hours total that my son sits at the table to get work done

• make dinner, did we even have lunch?
• prep kids' hair and make-up for show
• drop kids off at theatre
• work concessions at theatre
• take kids home to bed

Sunday:

• get up early to make coffee at church
• hadn't told husband that there was french toast in fridge for breakfast so he gets the kids Carl's Jr. for breakfast
• attend church
• prep coffee for second service
• find out my kids have helped themselves to bagels and cream cheese when we are supposed to be going to get real food for lunch which I hadn't told anybody about (is there an app that will automatically let all family members read my mind to know what the plans are without me having to draw up an agenda on chart paper?)
• get myself something to eat
• take kids to theatre
• run around getting very few things accomplished
• pick up kids
• have "girl time" with daughter to reward her for getting her work done and putting up with not be able to do much while brother gets his work done
• son works with dad on getting closet clean
• put kids to bed
• fast forward through NASCAR race stopping to see the cause of cautions and see who wins

And then comes Monday.

I get up, get dressed, make breakfast, make lunches, get kids up and dressed, drive them to school, leave them there.

For..... Six..... Hours.....

So, I declared Monday a "Me" day.

I must slow down. I must do things that will help fill my tank. I must let go of my desire to be perfect for just one day.

I take a look at my list of things to do for the week and see what HAS to be done today and what I WANT to work on for the day.  I've been learning that I honestly have to exercise.  It's no longer about the desire to be thinner or healthier.  It has to do with mental health. My depression hits me hard when I battle with my son like I did on Saturday.

I did my walk while listening to my favorite Podcast at Beyond the To Do List.  Took a looong shower shaving both legs and underarms in no rush what-so-ever. Actually did my hair and dressed up in an outfit purely for my own liking.  I even used smelly lotion and put on perfume. Did some more laundry, worked on my blog, and met a favorite friend for coffee.  We caught up on our week and I was reminded why my Coffee Friend is one of my favorite people.  Just an awesome person that makes the world a brighter place.  Then I'm blessed to go pick up my kids where I know one of my other favorite people, Sister From Another Mister, will be to pick up her own kids.  We chat and I'm reminded how blessed I am to be surrounded by such awesome people.  Wonderfully funny, beautiful, smart, loving friends in my life.  And I get to see yet another one tomorrow.

At that point, I'm ready and refreshed to greet my munchkins.

There's another little light of hope too.  My son only had one assignment that he didn't finish today and he chose to find a pencil and get it done in the car on the way home.  As I watched him play a video game, I hope and pray it's a reward he remembers as he gets down to work tomorrow.

As I type, my husband is playing with both kids upstairs.  A real dinner is cooking in the oven.

And I take my Every Tuesday Date Friend's advice and just breathe.... breathe.... breathe.....

Thank God For Mondays!!

When Priorities Change

I’m happy to say that I’m still keeping up with my first two goals for the year.  I finished reading Ruth in the Bible and I’m now on to 1 Samuel.  I’ve also kept up on writing and have hit a natural rhythm with it.  I’ve been sneaking in other things like walking and eating healthier.  But something has come up in our lives that’s going to require a major overhaul.

Two weeks ago my son’s teacher let me know that he is not getting his work done in class.  This is not a surprise. She has communicated having trouble getting him motivated in the past. She has tried many things in the classroom and has hit a wall.  She wanted to know if she could send work home with him.  This is work on top of the homework he is regularly assigned. The hope is that he can learn that it’s better to get his work done during the time allotted at school rather than at home when he could be doing something else.

Please know that  my son is not struggling with understanding his work. He’s struggling with staying on task and getting things done because he just doesn’t want to do the work.

So, he’s lost:

playing video games

playing with friends after school

TV time

his beloved reading books at bedtime

Basically he spent the last two weeks at the kitchen table getting work done.  Or not, depending on whether or not he stayed focused.

Most children would start to learn by now that this way of doing things is not fun.  One thing we’ve learned over time with all of the behavior modifications we’ve tried to implement with our son and his special behavior is that he takes a looooonnggg time to learn new behaviors.

So, what does this all have to do with my rocks? Well it means that in order to put this rock to the top of the priority list, I’m going to have to up my game, as well as see where other things need to be cut. I’m not willing to cut out my Bible reading or my writing but there are other places I can cut time.  For example, I usually grocery shop at three stores: Winco for the basics since they have the best prices. Whole Foods for the organic fruits, veggies, and meat. Then finally, Trader Joe’s for specific things like their organic beef jerky or their hummus.  Today, I went to one store and that was it.  I paid more for bread, cereal, and yogurt than if I had shopped around, but I’m going to have to cut my time somewhere.

Here’s where it gets scary for me. The things that the teacher is seeing in our son (and our daughter too) are problems I have with my A.D.D. They have trouble staying on task, keeping focus, finishing what they start.  They are easily distracted especially by other people.

My husband and I get frustrated that our kids don’t put things away when they are done with them leaving a trail of activities behind as they go through the day.  By the end of the day they are so overwhelmed with what they have to clean up that they shut down.

I take a look around the house and I think to myself, “I’m just as bad!!!! Who am I to try to teach my kids to be more focused? To start something and finish it? To stay on task?  To not get distracted by people?”  It’s like the blind leading the blind!  

Who am I?

I’m their mom. Their first teacher.

So, I’m taking on a whole new challenge.  I’m going to fake being an organized-clean-loving mom who is on top of things.  I’m going to try doing the “stay” part of “Stay-at-home-mom.” I’m going to have meals planned, grocery shopping done, laundry completed, a place for everything and everything in its place.  There are people who do this naturally.... I’m not one of them.

The first thing that will need to be done is a major decluttering of the apartment.  We went from a 2400 square foot house to an 1100 square foot two bedroom apartment two and a half years ago.  Since then, there have been birthdays, Christmases, and a thousand other excuses for things to come into the house but rarely go out.  I’m considering becoming a Jehovah’s Witness and stop celebrating any holidays to keep so much stuff from coming into the apartment.

I’m horrible at letting things go so it’s no surprise that my kids are the same way.  We will have to go through books, clothes, stuffed animals, and other toys and get rid of a BUNCH of things.  I may need to call the people on the Hoarders show and see if they can talk us through it.

The next thing will have to be the organizing of what we do keep. I have some things in place like where the kids keep their toothbrushes and tooth paste but for some reason, every single night I have to tell them to put their items back into their holders. 

That’s where my real problem comes into play.  How do I go from setting things up to teaching the kids to do what they need to do independently?  I’m not expecting to set things up, teach them once, and send them on their merry way.  I guess I need to get back into the headspace I was in when I was a teacher.  The first two weeks of school were spent learning and practicing routines with lots of positive reinforcement.  I was AWESOME at classroom management.  One of the biggest compliments I received from a student was when he told me that they nicknamed me G.I. Jane after the first day of school.

Just writing that gives me hope that I CAN do this. I do have it in me.  Are you ready to follow me and hold my hand through this process?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO OVERCOME YOUR OWN SHORTCOMING IN ORDER TO LEAD OTHERS? ANY ADVICE FOR A MOM WITH A.D.D. WHO IS TRYING TO TEACH HER CHILDREN TO BE FOCUSED????

Playing in the Sand

The blog is called My Jar of ROCKS because the rocks represent the most important priorities in life, the things that need to be placed in the jar first otherwise we fill the jar with the not so important things called pebbles and sand, not allowing enough room for the rocks.

"I want to exercise but I'm too busy...."
"I want to spend more time as a family but I'm too busy...."
"I want to ______ but I'm too busy..."

It's true we can easily make ourselves too busy with all of the opportunities we have in life which is why I say choose your rocks wisely and say no to other things.  For example, our children benefit from extra-curricular activities but they shouldn't be doing baseball, piano lessons, and scouts all at the same time.  Pick one and say no to the rest.

But I haven't really addressed the other time suckers in our lives: the sand.  These are the things we do to flit away our time but that don't really add much to our lives except some mind numbing escape.

Facebook
Twitter
TV
Video Games
Gossip Magazines
Web Surfing

I haven't addressed the topic because I honestly wasn't ready to face them myself.

I LOVE talking to people. I LOVE hanging out with people. As I've mentioned before, socializing was the real reason I got up and went to school each day.

Being a stay-at-home-mom for eight years and now working from home, I am isolated and it drives me batty!  Social networking gives me my people fix and it is quite addicting.  So, I'm raising my hand and saying, "Hello, my name is Luna and I'm a social networking addict."

I can hear you answering in unison, "Hello, Luna!"

I have spent the last week working on some behaviors and here is what I have to say about the sand in our lives:

Don't feel that you have to cut out ALL sand.  There is room in the jar for it, just not first. I've mentioned that I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, but when I tell myself I can't have ANY time for sand, I balk the whole thing. But I have to be wise and choose when and how long I will play in the sand or else time can get away from me.  If I take a break to web surf, I have to make sure five minutes doesn't turn into twenty. It'd be even better if I just saved any recreational computer time for after I complete all of my tasks.  What I have given up: People magazine, reading the news, and Twitter.

When you focus on getting the rocks in first, you naturally don't have much room for the sand. My friend and I sometimes talk about TV shows after watching them and he mentioned that he had only watched one episode of anything that week. I think I had watched two hours of TV that week.  We just have been too busy! And with the wonderful invention of the DVR and On Demand we can catch up any time we want. I have found that if I save TV watching for the end of the day, I sometimes end up skipping it all together because I rather get to sleep or read a book.

Time away from sand gives you new perspective. I'm a big fan of Facebook.  I love knowing what's happening with friends from high school, my extended family, and friends from far off places.  But taking time away then coming back, I realized that most of the updates aren't about the actual person.  I don't care about memes (I still don't even know how to pronounce that word since I've only read it and never have heard it aloud), I never watch the videos people post, don't care about politics, could NOT care less about someone's dog, and spend more time reading the sentence, "Name a state that doesn't have the letter 'e' in it." than the time it takes to actually answer it (Alabama).  I'm honestly not missing much by being away.

How to handle sand:

1. Set a timer to limit how much time you are doing something that can suck up your time
2. If web browsing is a problem, have two different browsers. For example use Chrome for work and Safari for play.  This helps you be intentional about what you are doing on the computer. (Idea I heard from Augusto Pinaud on Beyond the To Do List podcast.  Awesome podcasts here: Beyond the To Do List)
3. Fast from a specific time sucker for a while and reevaluate the value of it in your life.

WHAT IS YOUR SAND? ARE YOU AT A PLACE WHERE YOU ARE READY TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU HANDLE SAND TIME? WHAT CHANGES WILL YOU MAKE?

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